i've said this about 20 or more times since i started this thing back in high school, but this will be the last time i write in here. FOR SURE. and i will delete it soon. like i delete everything. but this will be the last diary i delete or rip up.

the movie i am working on right now means a lot to me. i don't know if it will take me anywhere (it's a crappy syfy movie, and i'm probably a crappy actress in it) or just break me, but it sorta saved me in a time of crisis. my depression is all over my floor. my diary which meant so much to me (it had all of my spiritual work in it..), is in shreds in a recycle bin, along with music ive written and a few other things... on friday the 13th i wrote a suicide note, shredded my thoughts, laid out my methods... and then didn't do it. not because i didn't want to, but because i knew i would wake up in a hospital... or just wake up extremely sick... or have a lawsuit on my hands from jumping off something not quite tall enough, but causing traffic accidents and hurting people. i wrote my agent an email instead, telling her to not put me on anymore auditions until february because i was having "health issues" i needed to deal with. she wrote back telling me to hang in there. i was thinking that i needed to check myself in somewhere, get some happy pills, and then move somewhere nobody knew me as an "actress" and start over. 20 minutes later, my agent calls me saying that i was booked as a lead in the movie i had tried out for two days prior. the one i thought i probably wouldn't even be booked as an extra for. and that filming started the next day. i had no idea it was going to be on the syfy channel, that barry williams, danny bonaduce, sherilynn fenn, and bruce davison were going to be in it. or that they would treat me with respect. or that me and danny would get along so fucking well and i would make him laugh. or that i would become friends with the makeup artist. or that fucking barry williams would think i was smokin hott.. haha. i postponed the rest of my reiki master training, called my work saying that they could fire me if they wanted, but i was doing this film, and then the next day, i started filming. absolutely nothing to lose.

i joined sag because this was my third "hit" and i had to... no time to think about fi-core. i figure that if my attitude was good enough, people will want to work with me again. except i would now have benefits no matter what my day job was, and i would be able to work in la and ny without stressing about getting my sag card first. i won't be able to work on any side films unless they are sag. some might think this is a burden and a set back (for anywhere but the big cities), but i don't want to do cheap or free work. and if working on film sets can totally suck sometimes, i might as well be protected by a union. and now i have a polite excuse when people ask me to be in their music video...or student film...for free. no no no no no.

it's been a while since i have done any deep meditation. i am simply taking a break from self-awareness, i think. i actually yelled at the universe on that awful day, saying that it was either time for it to show me a sign, or give me an exit point. and it gave me exactly what i needed. a very nice remedy for depression. distraction.

thanks, universe.